foolmenot

Eric J. Greene: Quick recipe for new model of city government

I'm cooking up a brilliant idea for a new model of city government.

I say cooking because, like the model I'm about to present, there are no firm rules involved and all facets of the plan are subject to change depending on what mood I'm in, whether I'm running for office soon and how big my ego is.

The recipe, until I change my mind, goes something like this:

First, we start by electing a few people to a city commission who have axes to grind, especially against those pesky top administrators who can't seem to make their 700 employees act perfectly all the time. What, did they skip the day they taught omnipotence in Public Administration 101?

Second, we encourage those few elected officials to focus a whole lot of time watching the city manager's every move. If he recommends a budget change, they should question his rationale, preferably in a condescending tone and in public. If he makes strides toward a more communicative and effective operation, they're there to tell him, like overbearing parents, it's still not good enough.

If he resists their ideas, they can blast him for being uncooperative and borderline insubordinate. Doesn't he know his place? If he takes a potty break, they can time him, maybe dock his pay accordingly for the time spent away from his desk.

Third, and speaking of pay, they should keep the manager's salary the same for, oh, three years or so, just to send a message to him and to the public — and to potential city manager candidates — that there's no free lunch in this town.

Who cares if some of his own employees end up with higher salaries than him? That's just the way it is in this new model of government function and form. Did I say no free lunch? Scratch that. How about no lunch at all?

If, after all of this, the manager hasn't looked deep inside himself and said, "Enough of this nonsense. I'm outta here," those commissioners can pester him to produce meeting agendas and databases. Better he do that kind of busywork than they bother to do their own homework. Besides, they've got other priorities, like using their city commission seats as a platform for state house campaigns.

Fourth, after the city manager and his right-hand people have been run out of City Hall, we should advertise nationally for a new manager. Candidates are likely to come from far and wide, desperate to work for such a progressive and professional group. And if they don't, screw them. They don't deserve to work here anyway, those narrow-minded jerks.

Finally, and most importantly, we should delude ourselves into believing that, even though the micromanaging commissioners soon will be gone, their constituents barely recognizable in their rear-view mirrors, this ground-breaking city government model will fix everything that's wrong.

Then we'll kick back, rename our community Utopia and bask in the envy of citizens everywhere.

Eric J. Greene can be reached at 966-0687 or egreene@battlecr.gannett.com.